The Julio-Claudian emperors: pocket-sized autobiographies

Here the first five 'official' emperors of Rome will briefly tell you their story; and it is strongly suggested that you read them aloud!

AUGUSTUS

Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus Augustus am I: such a pompous name, you would ask, why?

My deeds have been too many to be enclosed in a simple A4, but I will try my best, by the end of the page, to be done for.

I rose from nothing, Caesar’s son I was made;

Civil wars I fought, unspeakable honours I gained.

Brutus, Cassius, Anthony, Cleopatra, just to mention some of my deadly foes’ names;

Over them all I won, and first Augustus I became.

None of this would have probably been possible without my general Agrippa – my rock, my hand;

Along with my wife Livia, faithful to the end.

Senators, knights – everyone owes to me their gains;

Provinces they now rule, the majority of which are under my direct names.

Egypt was my pearl prize (to me alone its riches!), but I conquered so many lands that I tend to forget.

Cantabria, Noricum, Dalmatia, Moesia…the more you say, the more you get!

One land, however, never shall I forget:

Germania, and Varus’s loss of my legions with that.

To Classical Athens for inspiration I looked, and both in my buildings and in literature within it I took.

I did also endeavour to link myself to divine heritage; thanks to Virgil and his Aeneid for ushering a new age.

We cannot always have all we want, alas; something always needs to give way, as used to say the good old Maecenas!

Successful in life, unlucky with family: four heirs I lost before I finally passed the staff.

Tiberius was the best I could get;

Let’s see how he fares, before I deeply regret!

TIBERIUS

From an illustrious senatorial family I am originally descended; by my mother’s second marriage Augustus’s family I joined.

A very successful general ever I was; in Germany and the Balkans many tribes in my step-father’s name I subdued.

Once emperor, legions in these regions rebelled; but I sent my sons to calm them, and even Arminius was quelled.

Peace on the frontier came, diplomacy took the place of warfare and Cappadocia joined the imperial club.

But Fortune, harsh ruler of men’s fates, decided then to deprive me of my heirs; Germanicus in Antioch, and Drusus next, passed away, and left me alone, with only white hair.

I had not envisaged the strong opposition that Germanicus’s widow would lead; to bolster her sons’ claim, Agrippina even dared to defy my seed.

In order to combat her, the knight Sejanus to supreme command I appointed; then to Capri I withdrew, to flee that angst which I never sought, and yet with an eye on the state always fixed, and never lax, like many would make you believe.

The showdown approached; first Nero, Agrippina’s eldest, fell, and the mother with him; then Drusus, the second son; and, eventually, Sejanus too – power greed is nothing new.

Administration was my strength – at my departure full coffers I left – and a subtle statesman I was, able to transfer the magistrates’ elections from the people to the Senate.

My last years more and more disillusioned I spent; and finally, with two children at the world’s mightiest ship’s helm, I went.

You will soon learn how Destiny makes fool of us all.

CALIGULA

In a family, there is always a ‘mad’ one; shunned away he usually is, but this time Fate decided to have him on top and entrusted him with the whole lot.

I was born Gaius, son of Germanicus, and the last living heir of Agrippina the fierce.

Caligula I was nicknamed, as fond of caligae (our military shoes) during my childhood I was. The soldiers used to love me then – to have known that one of them would one day be my downfall!

A bit mad I probably was, I confess – who is not in the end? – but a disclaimer I need to address. Not many records are left of my times; and for those which are about...how many lies in between the lines!

In the footsteps of Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony, through the examples of my mother and grandmother, I had a vision of empire which in Rome had been like no other.

Tired I was, of making the Senate believe it was them who still held the reins of power. The absolute rule of one, which makes everyone cower; in that I believed, like Alexander the Great and those kings who succeeded him. Hence, divinity I claimed and godhood I attained.

Unfortunately, the senators tried thwarting my schemes in every way; and as they were the only ones to write, you may understand whence all those exaggerations did sprite!

It is true, however, that I loved spending money – so much that what Tiberius left was washed down like wine with honey.

But how can you compare such trifles to the magnificence of my palatial ships on the Nemi lake;

or the pontoon of barges I built over the bay of Naples in occasion of my triumph, the cherry on my cake?

Rid of my co-heir, Tiberius Gemellus, I got – although I can’t really remember whether it had been on my order or not.

I also executed Ptolemy of Mauretania in order to obtain his state; but to see that accomplished, alas, I was too late!

Under the dagger of conspirators one morning in January I fell; my glorious madness gone, I left Rome in a frozen hell.

CLAUDIUS

Unwanted, rejected, a fool; it was thanks to such lies that I survived the imperial school. A stammer and a limp, who would have thought that my safe-conduct would be to be a wimp?

A great mind I was, forever fascinated by the deeds of our ancestors; Etruria, Cartago…and yet I was only made quaestor.

When my nephew was killed, I thought my time had come; surprisingly, the praetorians hailed me king whilst, behind a curtain, I still felt numb.

Very industriously, I immediately put myself to work: acquiring Thrace and Lycia, Mauretania and Britain, I tried to show the world I was an emperor of some sort!

Engineering was a passion: with a new harbour at Ostia, I created a new fashion.

I completed Caligula’s two aqueducts and drained the Fucine Lake, all this achieved for the metropolis’s sake.

It was during my time that Rome came to celebrate its 800th birthday; and what Ludi we did have, up to my villa at Bay!

T

o Augustus’s respect for the Senate I returned, and to the upholding of traditional religion; but I also opened the curia to noblemen from a province, as for Rome it was time for a new vision.

I used my freedmen to carry out official tasks; but the senators thought that I was just their mask!

I was accused of being controlled by them, and by my last two wives too; and whereas Messalina dug her own grave, mine was made by Agrippina, that poisonous knave.

NERO

Have you ever heard of the saying ‘wrong place, wrong time’? It could summarise my experience in a ray of sunshine.

To be an actor I was born, surely not an emperor.

My mother put me on the throne and had me tutored by Seneca the wise and Burrus the mighty; such a farce, for it was her who really wanted herself to be the almighty.

In adolescence, a boy often argues with his mother; but when there is an empire in the way, more ‘dramatic’ things hold their sway.

Agrippina threatened to substitute me with Britannicus, my half-sibling, were I not a good boy; as an answer, I got him poisoned, and ordered a dagger in her womb to her joy.

I was then able to marry Poppaea, the love of my life; and, after Rome burnt, I rebuilt it in splendour, with a Golden House which would become, to my throat, the knife.

But those things were so misunderstood; Piso & Co. tried to kill me, but I had them done for good!

After Corbulo defeated the Parthians in the East, I crowned Tigranes Armenia’s king; then I toured the whole of Greece, where I sung, performed and raced for their golden fleece.

So many ugly revolts marred my time; from Boudica to the Jews, Vindex and then Galba, I was deserted, abandoned, the only refuge in a freedman’s mews.

With my suicide the glories of my family came to an end; but the empire went on, its provinces its rulers from now on to lend.